


In the Worst Way

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Bottom Rick, M/M, Top Negan, Top Spencer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-06-01 18:32:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15149288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What if Spencer had confronted Rick first, before he went to Negan? What if Negan began to see Rick in a different light?





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

_You say anything like that to me again. I'll break your jaw, knock your teeth out. You understand? Say yes._

Spencer had said Yes.

The thought rankles inside him, the fact of it. It ferments until it's just short of exploding.

Because all of this - _everything_ \- Alexandria's fall, Spencer's dead family, is Rick's fault.

Rick - arrogant, tough guy Rick - and Spencer would have given anything to see him on that night. When the new bigger, badder leader had knocked him flat - made him cry and blubber like the weak bitch Spencer knows he really is.

Rosita tells him it all. How Rick shook and cowered. How he'd said _I can go with you_ like he was an asset, when the only thing left to offer had been himself.

The undignified snot bubbles and begging on his knees.

Spencer thinks about it more than he's willing to admit.

Rick is - and has always been - a man he hates.

The fact that he hates the most, is how he never measures up.

 

 

 

Spencer thinks about it. Then thinks about it again, and again.

Rick isn't really all that. If two dead friends and a false threat on his son can make him crumble - well, Spencer has loads of dead friends.

He doesn't like to think about that.

Self preservation is an instinct and he refuses to regret it.

The new boss is as bad as the old boss, most likely. But him and Rick have history.

Spencer could break him, like Negan did.

He knows he could.

He thinks about it. Then again and again. It's all Rosita talks about - fighting Negan and Rick's disgrace and the dead lover who didn't want her.

Spencer wants her. But, she's just passing through.

Rick though, Spencer finds he viciously wants to bring low, to put him in his place, to _own_.

 

 

 

It's easy enough. Rick doesn't actually think he's a threat.

He waits until the kid leaves the house and walks in, all nice. He's clean, in his best clothes. The ones his mother told him he always looked so handsome in.

Rick eyes him warily, Judith bouncing on his lap.

"Spencer. About what I said - "

"I'm not here about that." The memory still scolds him, reminds him he has something to avenge. His pride, his dignity and did Rick really think he'd let him get away with that?

"I need to talk about it." Rick says sternly, reaches down to put Judith in a play pen before he stands, "It wasn't right, what I said. We're all frustrated and taking it out on each other isn't gonna do any one of us any good. I'm sorry."

Spencer stifles his surprise.

Remembers what Rosita said about Rick letting his arrogance lead them all into death.

Remembers...

He huffs out something like a laugh and Rick frowns at him.

He springs at Rick, and because he's never good enough - never as fast as _Rick_ \- Rick easily counters him. They go rolling to the floor though and hit the side of the play pen. Judith starts crying.

"Aw, Judith, no..." Rick trails off when he realizes.

Spencer is closer to Judith then Rick is.

Spencer thinks he sees him pale.

She's too young to remember, Spencer tells himself. She won't remember.

"Lie down on the floor, face down." Spencer commands.

Rick eyes him warily before obeying.

"You don't want to do this Spencer." Rick says and that just enrages him

Spencer smacks him hard across the back of the head and Rick's head glances against the floor. It's mostly ineffectual because for some reason Spencer is still holding back, pulls his punches.

Rick almost turns things around. Turns and gets a hold of Spencer but then Spencer gets another lucky hit in.

"You deserve this." Spencer spits, before Rick's able to ask.

Judith cries, reaches out for her Dad, and Spencer has just enough decency to drag Rick to the next room. It's difficult work but Rick is mostly limp.

No doubt he has a concussion.

There's formula on the kitchen counter and Spencer knocks it over in his haste. Rick reaches for it to try and save it, for some reason, like he's so _selfless_. Which is bullshit.

Spencer _hates_ him.

He pours all of that into his actions. Pulls Rick's jeans down, his underwear, and hikes up Rick's hips, keeps his hand on the back of his neck.

"Who's small now, _Rick_? Who's weak?"

It's fast. Spencer doesn't look at him at first. The pained inhales and blurry noises of horror are enough. Until they aren't.

He turns him around then and the sight of tears shocks him.

He reaches out despite himself. Rick gasps when he brushes a tear away.

The spite drains from him and leaves him tired. His erection flags, and quite suddenly he knows he can't finish.

This isn't fiery Rosita matching his pace in bed. Or the significant amount of woman he's sated. He's _raped_ someone. Rick.

And all broken like this, brought low - watery eyes and that tattered pride, drawn tight in defense but self loathing; _so_ self loathing - suddenly Spencer can see the appeal.

He doesn't get much of a chance to regard him.

The sound of the front door opening startles them both. Judith is still screaming bloody murder.

"Why aren't you a little angel?" They hear faintly from the next room.

They both struggle to get themselves in order in the next few seconds. All their clothes are on at least. Rick is still on the ground, rising - just on his knees, when Negan enters with a soothed Judith tucked against him.

"Well _fuuuck_ if this ain't a replay of the first night we met." Negan says, drawing his vowels out in that obnoxious way of his. Gun in his belt.

He's giddy, amused by what he's seeing.

Even Rick's tears have seem to froze in their tracks.

"You look good like that Rick, really suits a little bitch like you, all down on your knees like that." Negan sneers flippantly at Rick, their leader - Alexandria's leader - Spencer realizes with a pulse, "what's it this time, spilled milk?"

He looks over to the formula spilled over the tile and laughs, smacks his hand on his knee.

Rick clears his throat but it sounds weak.

"You've been hiding this little angel from me. Why's that Rick? You afraid I'll take her with me? You don't trust me? What's the deal?" Negan wheedles.

That gets Rick talking.

"D-don't take her."  Rick says, trying to rise suddenly and failing, knocking back hard onto his knees.

"Hn." Negan says shortly, enjoying the draw out. "She's so sweet. I could just eat her up."

For a moment Spencer thinks Negan's forgotten he's there, but then he turns to him.

"You look really fucking leery. I wasn't too hard on you last time, was I?" Negan asks, when he gets no response he prompts - as if to jog Spencer's memory, "at the gate?"

"No, sir." Spencer manages.

Negan has a presence Spencer can't define. Something dangerous, malicious maybe. Nothing at all like Rick.

"Now - whatever the fuck this is about-" Negan gestures all around them, "I don't give a fuck - excuse my language sweetie - and Rick you need to get your bitch ass up and get to work."

Rick nods, a little frantic, but when he doesn't immediately get up Negan strides forward and threads a dangerous hand through his hair.

" _Rick_ " he says, low and dangerous, "Do I need to remind you who you belong to?"

"N-No." Rick gasps out.

Negan gives him a subtle kick and the words tumble from Rick's mouth artlessly.

"B-belong to you Negan."

"That's _right_." Negan goads and lightly tugs Rick up by his hair.

Rick goes, and they even get across the room. But Spencer can tell his gait is wrong.

Rick's back is strung with pain, steps cautious and it's so obvious, so noticeable, Spencer doesn't know how Rick thinks he's going to pull it off.

Spencer doesn't know how he's going to pull the rest of his life off.

This is something more than self preservation.

"Coming? King Shit?" Negan commands, and Spencer follows.

 

 

 

Negan's going to kill the lackey, it's already a given.

He can't allow Papaw Rick to be challenged like that. Especially after he's gone through the trouble of re-educating the man. More than that, he actually _likes_ the humorless Alexandrian - all pretty and earnest.

King Spencer hasn't caught on though. Even Rick seems to realize his killing intent but only after a minute - which is odd given the man's unparalleled powers of perception.

He's distracted, a little roughed up going by the patch of blood in his hair, and Negan wonders if the man might not have a concussion. It's sweet though, the way Rick is sticking so closely to Negan's side. It's out of the concern for the little angel tucked into Negan's arms of course but Negan doesn't let that damper his good mood.

Rick - with his seemingly open vulnerability and pure fervency, with his tear stained face and big eyes - might seem like he needs protection but Negan knows the truth. The man's a predator, one that needs to be tightly controlled. Negan doesn't plan on slipping up for a second.

Still, he wonders what the other man did to make Rick cry like that.

"What the fuck is the hold up Rick?" He prods when Rick begins to lag behind his quick pace.

"He just needs a minute." Spencer says.

Rick trembles at the words, undecipherably. Negan can't help but prod. It's in his nature. He picks the sorest spot there is.

"You know why I killed Big Red and Asian, Rick? Oh I _know_ you know why. You wanna hazard a guess?" He turns to Spencer then, and waits.

Predictably the man takes it upon himself to answer.

"Because of Rick, Sir." Spencer starts, and suddenly just from looking at Rick now Negan can tell why he'd trembled. Anger. And yet, still a glimmer of wet in his eyes, puzzlingly. Spencer doesn't see it yet, "Because of his actions."

"Because he was a Little _Bitch_ , right?" Negan goads.

"They deserved it." Spencer tries to please.

Rick's face crumples and Negan chuckles. It only takes a moment for him to strike. Negan watches as he takes the other man down by tackling him around the waist.

It's something like poetry, watching Rick's violence in action - graceful and poignant. He cocks back his fist and reigns a few hits down on the man who is now shielding his face. Judith starts crying and Negan beckons Arat over from the small crowd the commotion is drawing to hand her off.

It's only a moment before Rick reigns himself in. Before he halts, panting and shaky, and lowers his fist - looks at Negan and lowers his eyes too.

He clears his throat thickly and says, softly "Sorry".

Negan leans over them. Spencer for his part, although bloodied looks ferociously angry, but he isn't fighting back. Probably too afraid of what Negan will say.

"What's that Rick?" Negan prods.

"Sorry." Rick says more firmly, but his voice cracks on the word.

Judith is still wailing in the background.

Rick's face turns towards her. Slowly, clumsily, he gets off Spencer.

There's something in his movement maybe, something in his face that - doesn't sit right with Negan. He knows he's missing something - he'd assumed it was an interrupted coup.

Now, he isn't so sure.

With a nod from Negan, Arat hands over Judith to Rick - who shushes her and pets her hair and kisses the top of her head before handing her off to an Alexandrian.

Spencer sits up, spits blood out onto the ground.

"Not that I really care," Negan begins, "But what were you two chuckleheads in conflict about anyway?"

Rick doesn't answer. He stands stone-like, eyes red rimmed, and swallows. Even Spencer seems to be reluctant to answer.

"You're not gonna leave me hanging now, _are you Rick_?" Negan intones lowly.

The man nearly squirms.

"It's nothing." Rick's voice is all gravel and accent. There's something shuttered in it though and it take Negan a moment to realize it's _shame_.

"Spencer." Negan warns.

The man starts stuttering his way to an explanation.

"Rick is - he's weak." The man begins and Negan snorts, there's still blood rolling down his face, "and I put him in his place. Just like - just like you put him in his place."

"And how is that exactly?" Negan asks. He's almost offended.

He considers himself unique - irreplaceable.

"You ground him into the dirt?" Negan asks, crouching to get a good look at Spencer.

"Yeah." Spencer says weakly.

Negan chuckles, the idea of it is nearly laughable. The levity falls away through when Negan turns to take in Rick's tense, bloodless face.

Negan opens his mouth to demand an explanation - something - but Rick beats him to it. He steps forward into Negan's space and says lowly - so just they can hear.

" _Please_ don't _._ "

Negan doesn't mean to, but he closes his mouth and swallows. He feels his jaw click shut.

He knows that tone.

But Rick isn't fucking talking to _him_. He's talking to _Spencer_.

It's unacceptable. More than that it's puzzling but that's not the part Negan focuses on.

Instead he grabs the back of Rick's neck and squeezes tightly.

"Excuse the fuck out of me Rick, you wanna run that by me again?"

"It's nothing." Rick says again, after a long hard, warning stare at Spencer.

"What'd he do, Rick, that you don't want me to know? I already seen you at your worst. Seen your fucking 'O' face so to speak."

The lewd colloquialism doesn't have the intended effect. Instead of fury Rick rears back, something veiled and shamed in his expression. He doesn't quite escape Negan's grip.

"I've seen it too." Spencer interjects, then implores, "We're the same. I broke him too."

Rick doesn't have a shit fit. Instead his head bows like he doesn't want anyone to see his face.

Before this point, none of Negan's rapid fire thoughts have been definitive. It makes him reel, a little.

"I should be in charge." Spencer continues, "I'm better, a stronger leader. Before Rick -"

"Hold on just a second." Negan dryly clicks. His usual mirth thin and false. "Supposing I take you on, just what were you planning to do with _Rick_?"

Negan's looking at Rick as he's saying it. His hand, still on the back of the man's neck. And Rick is - trying hard to present a unified front. To appear strong - a more favorable leader.

"Kill him?" Negan suggests.

"No!" Spencer refutes with venom Negan hadn't been expecting. He corrects it though, diplomatically, "Rick's...useful. A leader makes use of the resources at his disposal."

"Useful, huh?" Negan says dully.

Rick shakes his head minutely. When he tips his head up Negan isn't surprised that his eyes are a little glassy with tears he refuses to let fall.

"Negan - " Rick begins, seriously - and isn't that a kicker? _As if_ Negan would even think of replacing Rick with Spencer - "I can do better. I _swear_ -"

"Stop Rick." Negan commands, gentling his grip before letting Rick loose. "Arat, get these people out of here."

Despite himself, Negan wants to give Rick privacy. Some semblance of dignity.

In minutes they're alone.

"You're a disloyal piece of shit." Negan says, and that more than anything causes Spencer to shake in fear, to begin to protest.

"N-no... I _swear_ Negan -" Spencer begs as Rick stands woodenly beside them.

"Stay or Leave Rick. I can't put up with this."

Rick looks between Negan's bat and Spencer. He doesn't try to stop Negan though, or talk him out of it. Not that it could have changed Negan's mind. Instead he gathers himself and pulls away, hesitates.

"See you next week Sweetheart." Negan says unthinkingly.

Dismissed Rick retreats, and Negan can see it now - in his gait. It almost makes him see red.

Negan painstakingly waits until he's out of sight before he turns to the quietly pleading mess on the ground.

"I don't deserve this." Spencer has the gall to say.

"Don't think for a second that I don't know what you did." Negan says dangerously, "You were wrong Spencer. Dead wrong. We're not the same."

Usually there would be an audience. But Negan thinks of Rick's desperation to keep it quiet and feels a strange sort of sorrow.

Deliberately, he doesn't kill him on the first swing.

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everybody!!

 

 

 

The next pick up Rick is waiting at the gate.

Negan sees the man's bloodshot eyes, his overgrown stubble and general down trodden state and says nothing.

The fact of it is, Rick is pretty. It's hard not to notice. But he's also strong. Gives the appearance of strength.

Only.

Negan had put an end to that.

And by extension had exposed all of his vulnerabilities.

Exposed him to men like _Spencer_.

The guilt Negan feels very nearly quells him. Rick's still the man who took Negan's outpost, guns blazing. Only, he doesn't quite look the same anymore.

It's damning, a little, that Rick looks marginally better than after he had when Negan had killed his boys. Negan has to remind himself it means that he's done his job well.

And that at least needs no apologies.

Still, when he approaches Rick he finds himself softening, says low and nonthreatening, "What do you got for me Rick?"

"We have a table for you over here." Ricks gestures before turning to guide him along.

He walks okay. There doesn't seem to be any additional damage to him.

He's as stone faced as ever. He squares his shoulders and draws himself up to his laughable height. It occurs to Negan that Rick probably wishes Negan didn't know - which is fair given their past.

Their very recent past.

But it has to mean something, doesn't it? Negan's move to avenge Rick, his enemy. There must be some points to be had somewhere. It's better for integration - although it doesn't change the fact Negan wishes it didn't happen at all. And Negan is good at that, turning losses into wins.

He isn't expecting anything from Rick yet. Not gratefulness, not swooning. In the future though, he hopes the man can recognize.

Saviour isn't a word Negan uses lightly.

Rick is still on guard. It's smart, maybe, but unnecessary.

He doesn't avoid Negan's gaze, surprisingly enough. Meets it, in fact, and doesn't look away until Negan does.

He's trying to look strong, Negan realizes with a start. The fact of it punching him in the gut.

"I could swear I'm the Grinch because my heart just grew three sizes." Negan says out loud.

Rick stares, unsure. And of course Negan's men are there and so he blurts without thinking,

"Did I say my heart? I meant my dick."

Rick swallows hastily and looks away which makes Negan feel like shit. His men laugh though.

And the pick up is short and sweet. The stuff is ready, is a breeze to pack. There's no reason for Negan to linger.

He does, though.

Until it's just him and Rick by the table. Ricks stays, because he hasn't been excused. He's avoiding Negan's gaze now, after his gaffe.

"How are you doing Rick?" Negan asks, tries not to put anything into it, tries to make it sound casual.

"Busy, lots of runs." Rick says, voice dry like he swallowed a bucket of sand.

"You see the doctor? 'Bout that...concussion." They both know that's not what Negan's really asking.

"Yeah." Rick says quietly, with a frown. "Wasn't nothing."

It's about then that Negan notices Samurai Chick watching from a distance.

Rick notices her too, and pretends not to.

Negan reminds himself Rick has all the support he needs.

Has to remind himself that Rick is just like anyone else, too. Because if Rick starts sensing he's got a soft spot, he might not play on it today - might think it too cheap, think himself above it - but eventually the possibility will start to look good.

"I hope you're hearing me Rick," Negan starts, erases any reluctance from his tone, "when I say that I expect the same from Alexandria as I do from the other communities. And that won't change, no sir, it's set in stone. Do you understand?"

Rick, for his part, doesn't look surprised. He looks tired, brow beaten, uncomfortable - but he nods like he knows it all already.

"Don't be short." Negan warns.

He isn't sure who would like it less.

 

 

 

Rick hates the Saviours.

He hates what they stand for, and most of all he hates the man behind them.

 _Negan_.

But he swallows his hate to get things done.

It's hard though, in moments when he's alone.

When he has time to think about Glen's gurgling and Abraham's head turned to mush.

It's not like these images ever actually leave him in the days since they happened.

And it - wasn't like this with Lori _exactly_.

But it's his fault, and so there is no reason he should move on.

No reason to even begin assuaging his guilt.

And then there is -

Spencer.

He doesn't let himself think of that at all. It really isn't worth it. Not when there's Glen and Abraham and the people Rick made them leave behind to think about. Not when there's Daryl. Not when there's Carl and Judith and keeping them safe.

That's not to say it doesn't affect him, even Rick acknowledges the fact.

He'd been distant with Michonne after Negan.

Now though, they don't speak at all.

Michonne's tried and tried again. Eventually, her constitution won't allow her to continue. Rick just has to wait it out. And he does _have_ to.

Because he feels like what Negan is saying is true, for the first time.

_Rick doesn't cut it._

Negan had had Judith in his arms, Spencer was steps away from her...both dangerous men who could have done anything and Rick is at fault for all of it. He didn't even recognize the threat of Spence- but he isn't thinking about that.

Carl - well, he's angry, Rick can tell. Eventually, they'll bridge that anger but for the time being Rick is ashamed that he uses it to his advantage. To keep his son away, to keep Carl from getting suspicious. The boy has always been too smart for his own good. 

The thing is Rick doesn't want anyone to know.

They all _know_ about Negan. He can't change that.

If they knew about Spencer, Rick isn't sure what he would do. Feels a thick shame roll up him at the thought. Feels sick with it.

He doesn't want anyone to know. Not Carl, not Michonne, not _Negan_.

And it had been close. A few seconds earlier and Negan would have walked in on it.

Rick calms himself with the fact that that hadn't happened.

Rick can only imagine the things that would come out of the man's mouth if he _knew_.

Already the man is...suggestive. Finds humiliating and degrading Rick amusing. Negan is especially heavy handed with the sexual connotations and would only revel in Rick's distress - Rick's sure of it. Would see him as weak and - that simply cannot happen.

Not more than it already has.

Negan doesn't need another way to break him.

Negan has chosen Rick, over Spencer. Rick has no illusions though, the moment his strength appears to falter, the moment he stops being of use, stops benefiting Negan, his life will be at stake.

All of the Alexandrians will be at stake.

Ergo, Rick needs to be a better leader, be _stronger_.

And Negan can't get even a whiff of his weakness.

Or it's game over.

 

 

 

Rick goes home alone that night, packs his things, and scavenges, scavenges, scavenges.

 

 

 

He lucks into a pharmacy. Not all of the good stuff is gone.

But there are other things. Things not necessarily meant for survival. Contraceptives, pregnancy tests, salves, saline sprays and vitamins.

There isn't a lot, but the amount Rick gets almost fills his knapsack.

It's...detrimental to Rick's mental health. Thinking about blood tests and std's and the fact that he might not even be safe to give his own children his blood. Not like before.

It's another reason he can't be with Michonne.

Part of him knows that it's an unreasonable thought, but it doesn't matter. Because he shuts down all lines of thought in that direction.

The only thing that matters is that he keeps his family safe and alive.

Rick putters around in the vicinity, finds some abandoned houses. One of which has a wild garden and another a berry patch.

In one of the houses he finds a herbal medicine guide.

It's not something that they'd have the luxury of taking with them before when they were on the road.

The scavengers, though, are so well off that they'll even accept _entertainment_ as a form of payment. And it's entirely at their discretion. The thought sticks in Rick's throat, comes out through his eyes.

He should have known who he was going after.

He should have known how powerful Negan was.

" _You're gonna regret crossing me_." Negan had said.

Rick does.

So. Much.

The regret is a physical thing, tireless. Rick feels it so thoroughly that he's not sure he'll ever be able to unfeel it.

And he doesn't want to. Because he deserves to feel it.

 

 

 

Rick makes it back a day before the next pickup.

They're in...alright shape, barring the fact that they have no new food to contribute to Alexandria - are still living off the stores.

At the very least Rick thinks they have enough that the Saviours are not going to murder any of them, and that has to be enough.

He takes the night to steal himself against meeting Negan. 

Negan is an ordeal, to say the least, and Rick has to present a unified front. A cohesive whole that promises reliance. He doesn't know what else to do.

It's an illusion. Alexandria may very well fall under the weight of its own burden, but if they prove their usefulness Rick hopes that it will make some kind of difference in their favour.

The hope is a very faint one.

They're dealing with Negan and his Saviours after all - and all Rick knows of them is that they _take_.

Still, Negan had been willing to make a move to keep Rick at the head of Alexandria - and that has to mean he wants things to run smoothly. Is anticipating it. That in some strange way he has faith in Rick's abilities.

Rick finds, when he thinks of the future, things blank out.

For the first time he can't think beyond the problem.

Maybe it's because he doesn't believe he'll survive it.

He looks at himself in the mirror - he's a mess and he knows it - and tries to tame his looks into something a little less scattered. Something more competent.

He considers shaving the scruff, but he only gets the razor half way up before his hand stalls.

He doesn't want to look...soft.

He tells himself it's because he can't afford to.

 

 

 

As of late, it's been difficult for him to sleep. He dreams of...it.

That thing that happened that he isn't thinking about.

So instead he goes over other things in his head. Goes through inventories and offerings and calculates what kind of haul they would need to bolster their stores. Puzzles at the impossibility of it, desperation sinking into his bones. It nags at him like a sore tooth.

It's still better than closing his eyes and seeing what's behind his eyelids.

He couldn't live with himself if Carl overhead something while Rick is in the midst of a nightmare. The thought is entirely untenable.

And every moment, he is dreading Negan's visit.

The oppressive presence of the man.

The...strangeness he puts out.

Like he's got Rick's number.

 

 

 

Maybe he has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
